Part 3 Navigating Shame: Cultivating Compassion and Empowerment
Shame is a complex and powerful emotion that influences the human experience. While it can be both helpful and destructive, understanding its nature and effects is crucial for personal growth and well-being. To be able to navigate shame in a healthy and more compassionate way we first need to understand the complexities of shame and its impact on our lives.
Understanding Shame
My own relationship with shame has been complex and difficult and been a feature of my whole life. By definition, shame is a deeply rooted emotion characterised by embarrassment, humiliation, and self-disgust. It arises from a sense of failure or inadequacy and can be triggered by various experiences, from social rejection to personal mistakes. Universally present across cultures, shame plays a significant role in shaping our behaviour and attitudes. It often functions as a tool of social control, enforcing norms and values.
As a child my Mum used mild shame as a way of teaching me basic manners and I tried hard to be a better human because I was worried about disappointing my Mum.
But somewhere along the way I developed a deep sense of toxic shame about my body and ultimately myself. For me toxic shame became a pervasive belief that I was unworthy and unlovable. A lot of this came from some of my childhood experiences with my stepfather which now as an adult and having done the work I understand were destructive and traumatising.
But there is also another type of shame, identified by noted shame researcher Brene Brown, that comes from society’s perfectionistic role expectations. Shame influenced by a need to be perfect impacts our individual character and destroys our sense of self-esteem by telling us that we have no worth or are a complete failure.
For so long, I lived with what can only be described as a destructive secret about how as an obese woman I was nothing in the eyes of my community but more importantly in my own eyes. I hated on myself, was nasty, self-destructive and self-sabotaging. It was a lot, took a lot of my energy and left me feeling depleted and sad.
For my clients and individuals everywhere, regardless of the type of shame we have been influenced by, it can serve as a valuable teacher and catalyst for personal growth. Rather than letting shame own us and drive us through life on autopilot, it has the power to alert us to areas where we need to pay attention and put in more effort. Shame can highlight instances of insensitivity or irresponsibility, it can highlight hurt from the past and provide us with an opportunity for self-reflection, learning, understanding and ultimately positive change.
The Dual Nature of Shame
Shame has the potential to be both transformative and destructive. Productive shame focuses on specific traits or behaviours rather than condemning the entire person. It allows individuals to maintain their sense of self-worth while also suggesting changes that can lead to personal growth and improvement. It encourages self-reflection, learning from mistakes, and embracing empathy and compassion.
In our evolutionary history, shame was used as a means to encourage change and foster reintegration within tribal communities. Unlike unhelpful shame that makes someone feel worthless, productive shame acknowledges the potential for growth and leaves room for improvement.
However, excessive or unhealthy shame can undermine self-esteem, hinder personal growth, and lead to mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. So, how do we hold ourselves safe and explore the type of shame we are experiencing, unpack the impacts and then make nice nudges, small steps and tiny tweaks towards a navigating shame in a more healthy and compassionate way?
Nurturing Self-Compassion and Empathy
To navigate shame in ways that allows us to gain benefit, we can adopt the following approaches:
- Cultivate self-compassion:Recognise that making mistakes and experiencing failures are part of being human. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, accepting your flaws and limitations. When you catch shame in your daily life, try checking and challenging it by simply saying “It’s ok. You’re doing your best. What can I learn from this?” By embracing self-compassion, you can work towards positive change in a more empowering way.
- Foster empathy:Understand that others also experience shame and vulnerability. Develop empathy towards yourself and others, acknowledging that everyone has their own struggles. When you catch yourself placing shame onto others. Try checking and challenging it by asking yourself “I wonder what might be going on for that person right now?” This empathy creates a foundation for connection, support, and growth.
Challenging Society’s Scripts
To address shame on a larger scale, we can challenge societal norms and promote inclusivity and acceptance. As women, we all experience powerful scripts that have been written by others for us to live up to and ourselves based on the messages we receive from family, friends, colleagues, and our community. If we live on autopilot and allow these scripts to dominate our lived experiences – we often feel shame, blame and guilt as our dominant driving emotions. Let’s not forget that we also write scripts for others too. By making efforts to embrace diversity and individuality, we contribute to creating more supportive and understanding communities. It is through these efforts that shame can be replaced with compassion, empathy, and celebration of uniqueness.
So, while there is no doubt that shame is a complex emotion intertwined with the human experience. By understanding its nature and effects, we can navigate shame in a way that promotes personal growth, emotional resilience, and well-being.
Cultivating self-compassion and empathy are essential steps in overcoming shame and embracing our flaws and limitations. Rather than being used as a divisive weapon, shame can be an instructive tool at the personal level, helping us to evolve and cultivate a greater sense of self-acceptance — if we are willing to listen and learn from it.
Need help or want to explore your patterns of guilt? Reach in and we can talk about the options available. You can email me directly on workwith@collectivewisdomcoaching.com or book a call in my calendar.
Go gently
Mel xoxo